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Title:WARNING SIGNS

Authors: Tony DeLorenzo & Dawn Ricci

Price:$13.22  Buy It Now

Excerpt:

From Chapter 2 “The Signals of Change”

Change Signals—When the Same Old Same Old Doesn’t Hold

Most of us, as creatures of habit, adhere to our own daily regimen; we continue to enjoy our favorite foods and music or take the same kind of vacation year after year. We are who we are, and much of who we are is made up of our consistent habits, patterns, and preferences. Of course, we may change jobs, move to a different locale, add a few pounds, or turn a bit grayer, but our basic makeup—our personality, our core beliefs, our way of dressing—all remain pretty much the same over time.

This practice of sticking to routine behavior, repeating patterns, and keeping habits helps us to maintain a sense of order and control in our lives. “Oh, that’s just like him,” “I knew you’d enjoy this,” and “It was just made for her” are expressions we’ve all used. These expressions testify to the universality of our inclination to act in consistent, predictable, expected ways. Of course, we’re not programmed robots or trained circus animals—we’re humans who every so often veer away, sometimes far away, from our predictable behavior, which is also a very human trait. Often, external forces and events inspire those changes in habit, such as a visit to a doctor’s office where we’re admonished to lose weight, get in shape, take up new activities, and eat more healthfully. Vanity, as well, is an equally powerful motivator that we humans share. The impulse to look as good as possible is a natural characteristic most of us have to a greater or lesser degree. And endless marketing campaigns stressing the value of looking our best nurture this impulse. If a man decides that he wants to tone down his ever-encroaching gray with a hair color treatment, it’s foolish and presumptuous to assume that the reason he’s trying to look younger is to be more attractive to a younger woman he’s hoping to seduce. Most likely, he’s merely making changes to feel better about himself, especially in a culture that prizes a youthful appearance.

But there are other changes people make that aren’t so innocent or banal. An affair is based upon an entirely different dynamic about change, one that prompts the cheater to alter the way he presents himself, how he feels about sex, his interests, and what he wants in life. These changes might be subtler or harder to detect than coloring his hair. But if you know how and where to look, they’ll be as obvious as that new form-fitting shirt he’s taken to wearing. The irony is that as fanatically careful as a cheater can be in hiding his affair from his partner, family, friends, and work associates—with secret hideaways reached by roundabout routes to avoid being seen, for example—his other actions blatantly betray the betrayal. Most cheaters do not appreciate that mere changes in Appearance, Actions, and Attitude are an open admission of having an affair. Yet these Change Signals often reveal the scarlet letter A for adulterer.

Of course, some cheaters (although rare to the species) do not display one single Change Signal introduced in this chapter. But it is unlikely you’ll experience the phenomenon of a cheater who is able to conduct an affair without changing, literally, a hair on his head or buying a new shirt or visiting a gym or displaying at least several key elements that often though not always should be regarded as possible warning signs of an affair.

As with other large and small warning signs a cheating spouse might display, do not react by immediately and vociferously demanding an explanation. Not only will there be ample time to confront him, but you’ll likely have a more comprehensive and conclusive arsenal of evidence of his cheating if you wait a bit longer. Another reason not to reflexively challenge him on one or another Change Signal he’s displaying is because there’s a small chance that a particular change or set of changes has nothing to do with his having an affair. So we strongly suggest that you don’t point an accusatory finger until you have a host of indisputable evidence in hand, which you most certainly will.

Not all Change Signals are created equal. Some are apparent to the whole world, and others are more intimate so only you would know about the change. But almost all of them have a few things in common, the most obvious of course being the fact that many of the changes would not occur if there had not been an affair. Another quality most of the changes share is how intensely personal the changes in his behavior are—changes dealing with appearance, personal preferences, ways of relating to family and friends. And, for the most part, you’ll likely notice that most of the changes you observe began more or less at the same time.

So the hallmarks of Change Signals are:

• they cover a full spectrum of changes.

• they are consequences of an affair, not the cause of it.

• they are personal changes in Appearance, Actions, and Attitude.

• they more or less arise at the same time.

Your spouse probably won’t display all the Change Signals in Appearance, Actions, and Attitude (though we’ve seen some who come remarkably close). But chances are you will identify a number of changes that do match his altered behavior. Knowing which changes apply to your particular case is rather straightforward, as the changes are self-evident. Change Signals alone should not be interpreted as conclusive, positive proof that you’ve been cheated on. When added to the other signs you uncover with the help of Warning Signs, you will have assembled enough facts to give you the confidence of knowing that when you do confront him with the charge of having an affair, you’ll be armed with ample, even overwhelming, evidence not just suspicions.

Appearance—Change Signal Number One: He’s Got That Look of Love

No, you can’t judge a book by its cover, and you can’t judge people simply by how they look. But when a spouse begins to alter his appearance in numerous ways, unaccompanied by any stated or believable motive, then take serious notice. If any single aspect of cheaters is universal it’s this: The affair can inspire a cheater to reinvent his appearance, literally from head (getting rid of that gray) to toe (new shoes, along with new shirts, a whole new wardrobe).

Suddenly a Clotheshorse Rides into Town

“I used to get his shirts at places like Sears and Walmart. Suddenly, he’s buying $60 sports shirts at a fancy men’s store! He never even asked for nice shirts as gifts; he only wanted to wear the basic button-down shirts to the office and more casual ones on the weekend. Then, starting maybe a couple months ago, he’s been the one buying his own shirts, a new shirt every other week, one fancier and more form-fitting than the next. Same with the pants he’s wearing, now they’re pleated, and not just black or brown either. He says he’s wearing nicer clothes to look better in the office. But I knew it had to be something more, a lot more. And I was right.”

—Lucille R

Most of us like to shop for—or receive—new apparel, especially when the seasons change. But what you should be sensitive to is a spouse’s abrupt interest in clothes accompanied by a concern over how he thinks he looks in the new clothing. Your partner’s clothes closet can hold the first, and in many cases, the most obvious signs that an affair is in the making or actually going on. If he never had a reputation as a clotheshorse but has recently started displaying an interest in clothing, it could be a sign that he is trying to impress a lover (or soon-to-be lover). So that sexy new look your spouse is sporting might not be meant for your eyes.

With many couples, especially those who’ve been together a good while, the wife either buys most of her husband’s clothes or at the least is very influential in what he decides to purchase. Of course, this might not be the case with you at all, but for millions of women, a new shirt in a husband’s closet is usually a result of the wife’s buying it for him or at least being with him when he bought it.

This pattern can change dramatically when the husband is having an affair. His button-down oxford shirts get pushed to the back of the closet, replaced by a half dozen new, brightly colored shirts. The cheater wants to appear as young as possible in the eyes of his lover, so the new clothes he buys are often designed for men half his age. If the new clothes making a debut in his closet are age appropriate, they may be far more expensive than the regular cotton dress shirts he usually wears. Feeling fit and sexy because of the affair, a cheater might be more inclined to spend hundreds of dollars on tailor-made clothing, all to impress his lover. But you should be suspicious, even if the clothing purchases are of far less value than custom clothing, if the new items are much more fashionable or more daring than what he traditionally wears, if they are worn on days that you also suspect he is seeing his lover, and, though not as expensive as tailor-made clothing, if the new clothes are far costlier than what he (or you) usually spend on his clothing.

Also, be aware that some of his new clothes “purchases” are actually gifts from his lover. Lovers often exchange gifts of apparel or fashion accessories; these items serve as symbols of affection and another way to maintain their closeness when they are apart. If your spouse suddenly sports an expensive new fashion item and you’re unsure of its origin, review charge card receipts find out if he bought it or received it as a gift. Don’t ask him about the item outright; you don’t want to tip him off to your suspicions until you have other pieces of evidence at your disposal.

Women having affairs often begin to wear sexier, more revealing apparel. So a woman who begins showing more cleavage than usual can actually be revealing her desire to look even sexier to her lover. And the clothes you’re not supposed to see can also be an important clue of infidelity—finding her new lingerie or his sexy men’s briefs hidden away in an attaché case or exercise bag is likely evidence of a spouse’s secret double life.